The First Time as a Family of Three

Becoming a parent is easy, but being a parent is hard!

Who doesn’t know this saying? And everyone who has become a parent knows it’s true (apart from the birth itself).

Back to a New Life – Checklist for the Father

When the new mother comes home with her baby for the first time, it’s a special moment. How she experiences it is primarily up to you, dear fathers. Here’s a checklist of what should be done before she comes home to make it an unforgettable experience for everyone:

• Has the floor been swept/vacuumed?
• Is the laundry washed (ironed) and put away?
• Is the kitchen tidy and are the beds made?
• Have the flowers been watered?
• Did you remember to buy a welcome bouquet?
• Is the fridge stocked with her favorite foods (milk, butter, cheese, cold cuts, etc.)?
• Have you prepared meals or bought ready-made meals for the next two days?
• Do you have mild fruits (bananas, apples) and salad ingredients (carrots, cucumbers) at home?
• Perhaps consider getting a few bags of milk-boosting tea from the pharmacy and 2–3 bottles of malt beer.
• Is everything ready for the baby? Is the changing table set up with enough diapers?
• Is the baby crib made up?
• Have you stocked a pacifier and a baby bottle (the smallest size)? If the baby is formula-fed, you’ll also need basic bottle supplies (4 milk bottles with nipples, a cleaning brush, e.g., from NUK).

Parenting Means Teamwork

Once the baby and new mother are home, teamwork is key, as there’s often more work than you’d expect. The baby will demand most of your attention, which you’ll happily give, watching with pride every milestone— the first smile, the first time they deliberately grab your hand… But both of you will eventually need time for yourselves. Recognize this from the start and ensure you take that time—for yourself and for your partnership.

Money

With only one income, it can be tough to make ends meet at first. But there are various public benefits to help ease the financial burden:

• Parental allowance (from the state pension office)
• Child benefit (from the employment office)
• Social assistance (from the social welfare office)
• Maternity benefit (from the health insurance provider)
• Housing benefit (from the housing office)
• Advance maintenance payments (from the youth welfare office)
• Reduced kindergarten fees (from the youth welfare office)
• Deferment of student loan repayments (from the student union)
• Bishop’s fund (Catholic family counseling centers)
• Municipal foundations, state, and federal “Mother and Child” funds (from family planning counseling centers)

Additionally, you can save money by:

• Opening a savings account: Avoid overdraft credit lines, as they can lead to high fees.
• Seeking debt counseling if you have debts. Ignoring them won’t help, but professional advice can.
• Opting for family-friendly vacations: Kids don’t need exotic destinations with endless white beaches. A stream, pebbles, a small beach by a lake, and relaxed parents are often enough. Consider vacation rentals, camping trips, or a farm stay—especially if the kids are older. Some states even subsidize certain family vacation programs. Check with your local city or district.

Relationships

She feels overwhelmed with baby care, he feels left out. It doesn’t have to be this way. Early on, discuss who will do what, and when. For instance, if he works, he could take over bathing, diapering, feeding, or bedtime routines in the evenings. Maybe she doesn’t feel like taking a walk on Sundays and just wants to rest, in which case dad could take the baby out alone.

• For the parent at home: Allow your partner time each day to bond with the baby.
• For the working parent: Occasionally give your partner some baby-free time, for example, to exercise or enjoy a bath in the evening. And don’t hesitate to claim your own “parenting rights”—show that you want to spend time with the baby too.

If both parents are home, share the joys and challenges equally: Mom shouldn’t be solely responsible for diapering, feeding, and laundry, nor dad just for walks and playtime. Decide who enjoys which tasks, and if neither enjoys certain tasks, alternate them.

If the relationship starts to take a backseat, set aside at least one evening per week to focus on each other: What’s on the other’s mind? What are their concerns?

Love

Your sex life might take a backseat for a while. But once you’ve adjusted to life as a family of three and the birth scars have healed, many couples find the first intimate moments after childbirth particularly special. You don’t need to worry about the baby sleeping in a crib beside your bed—they won’t notice anything. If it bothers you, move the crib out temporarily or choose another spot, like the living room. Both partners should accept that this is a time of deep, nurturing love for the child rather than a peak in sexual intimacy.

A Sibling for Our Little One?

Many parents eventually face this question. Once the decision is made, another question arises: when is the best time? How will we handle the “big” child, who may still be very small? Is it possible to love two or more children equally? The following article explores these and similar questions.

Facts

About half of all families with children raise only children. The life paths of only children and those with siblings don’t differ—whether smooth or challenging. Siblings share about 50% of their genetic material on average.

The Sibling Relationship

… is often the longest relationship in a person’s life. It’s a matter of fate, as it’s not chosen but rather something one is born into. It can remain impactful even when siblings have no contact. It’s frequently characterized by a high level of intimacy that’s rarely matched in other relationships. A typical trait is a deeply rooted emotional ambivalence, involving intense positive (love) and negative (hate) feelings.

Initially, it’s the parents’ responsibility to set the stage for the sibling relationship. Until the younger child is about 16–17 months old, parents must meet the needs of both children and guide the sibling relationship. By approximately the second birthday, the siblings establish a relationship that develops its own dynamic independent of parental influence. However, the parents’ behavior throughout childhood remains critical for the quality of the sibling bond. A secure and reliable attachment of both siblings to their mother greatly enhances their attachment to each other.

Research shows that the sibling relationship suffers the more unequal the treatment by the mother and/or father, especially if that unequal treatment isn’t based on age or different needs.

Siblings—A Lifelong Bond!

As mentioned earlier, the sibling relationship lasts a lifetime. However, its focus shifts over the years, as the following summary illustrates:

Childhood and adolescence: Early on, mutual emotional support and the development of camaraderie and friendship dominate. Older siblings help younger ones, perform small favors, provide support, and show solidarity against others (e.g., parents). Common rivalry topics include control, dominance, and maturity.

Early and middle adulthood: Camaraderie and mutual emotional support remain central—offering help during crises and sharing responsibilities, like caring for aging parents. Rivalry topics now include career success and recognition (especially among brothers), physical attractiveness, and fitness. Disputes also increasingly revolve around family-related, attitudinal, and value-oriented topics.

Later adulthood and old age: Camaraderie and mutual emotional support continue to be important. Siblings help each other in times of need, resolve lingering rivalries, and provide a sense of reliability. Rivalry topics remain, particularly regarding family matters, attitudes, and values.

What Loves You, Also Fights You? — Or: How to Address Sibling Rivalry

Sibling rivalry is as old as humanity itself: just as today’s and tomorrow’s siblings compete, Cain and Abel did in the Bible. The roots of rivalry are often seen in siblings’ ongoing struggle for their parents’ love and attention. This struggle starts with the birth of a sibling, as the firstborn experiences a “dethronement trauma”: feeling displaced, having to share, and no longer being the center of attention. The older child becomes jealous of the younger sibling, finding it difficult to accept that the mother must spend time cuddling and comforting the baby.

Sibling rivalry is especially pronounced among same-sex siblings (especially males) who are close in age. This rivalry is attributed to siblings constantly comparing themselves—in terms of appearance, traits, and abilities—and frequently interacting with each other.

Researchers often find one-sided rivalry: the weaker sibling, who feels inferior, competes with the stronger (usually older) sibling, who may not even notice the competition.

Tips for Parents

- Avoid thoughtless remarks that could fuel jealousy.

- Don’t constantly highlight differences between your children, especially in front of them (“The little one is so clumsy,” or “The older one isn’t sporty.”).

- Treat each child as an individual—without showing favoritism or neglect.

What loves you, also fights you? Yes and no. Studies in daycare settings show that children who like each other often argue more. Sibling arguments can be even more intense because siblings serve as practice partners for asserting independence and defining their own boundaries. Children know that no lasting harm will come from their fights. Additionally, family roles are constantly being redefined, and kids often rely on hands and feet to defend or strengthen their positions. Sometimes, siblings even try to pit one parent against the other. Therefore, parents should stay out of conflicts as much as possible and never take sides. However, you should intervene if one child clearly overpowers another and is blatantly unfair. Arguments are often loudest when parents are nearby. Why? Because children want attention. A tip: pay less attention to arguments and more attention when they’re getting along. And perhaps kids argue just for the sweet feeling of making up afterward?

It’s reassuring that sibling relationships usually harmonize as they move through middle and late childhood. One reason for this is that each sibling develops their own social circle, relationships, and interests.

Age Gaps

Many family educators recommend a three-year age gap, as siblings often get along well, rival less, and find more common ground.

Drawing from psychoanalyst Margaret Mahler’s work, Silbernagel and Lucassen divide the first three years into four phases, illustrating how children at different ages perceive the arrival of a sibling:

- 6–10 months: During this initial stage of separation from the mother, the arrival of a sibling feels like an intrusion into their familiar world. The pace of separation is now dictated by external conditions rather than the mother and child, leading to a sense of vague threat.

- 10–18 months: The child’s focus shifts to exploring the world, making the sibling’s birth less of a negative experience than in the previous phase.

- 18–24 months: The child struggles between seeking independence and wanting to be entirely cared for by the mother. This internal conflict makes adjusting to a sibling’s arrival especially challenging.

- Older than two years: The closer the sibling’s birth is to the prior phase, the more likely the child is to feel unsettled. If the sibling’s birth occurs closer to the end of the third year, the growing bond with the father may provide a stabilizing influence.

Pregnant—Again

How the father experiences the second pregnancy

While the first pregnancy is marked by novelty and the unknown, the second can be approached more calmly by the father: he knows what his partner looks like with a growing belly, that she may become difficult to deal with at times, that her tastes might change, and that she’ll need to use the bathroom frequently… and he knows it all ends with the birth. The father now has a particularly important role. Beyond supporting his partner, he’s especially needed by the firstborn, who might feel neglected or uncertain about their place in the family (see above). This period can foster a close bond between father and child. Some fathers also approach labor more calmly, having a better sense of what to expect. Similarly, the post-birth period isn’t as dominated by fears of failure. Fathers may feel they’ve proven themselves with the first child and now have a chance to improve or get it right. On the whole, subsequent pregnancies are typically approached by fathers with greater composure.

How to involve your “big” kid in the pregnancy

- Don’t tell your child too early that a sibling is on the way. They need to understand the time frame until birth.

- Let them feel and listen to the baby’s movements in your growing belly. Consider this an opportunity to explain conception and birth. It’s never too early to start this conversation; if they don’t understand, they’ll forget and ask again later.

- A baby doll with accessories can be fun for your older child, giving them a chance to practice “baby care.”

- Let your child choose some of their old toys that the baby can play with.

Motherly Love—Loving Equally, Treating Differently

Everyone comes into the world with a need to be recognized, respected, and loved—especially within the family. Children learn to behave in ways that gain them attention and approval. If siblings are already present, the new arrival may try to secure parental attention in ways that differ from their older siblings. This is why siblings often develop different personalities: a laid-back child might be followed by a high-energy one, a rebellious child by a peacemaker, and so on. Embrace the idea of treating your children differently. Give each what they need, not necessarily the same things.

Making the Transition Easier for Your “Big” Kid

The change is significant: yesterday they were the doted-on only child; today they’re the older sibling of a loud, crying baby. The adjustment doesn’t always go smoothly. How your child reacts to the newcomer largely depends on three factors:

- Their age and developmental stage (see above)

- Their temperament and gender

- The stability of their trust in you

In addition, a few behavioral strategies can help ease the transition:

- Consider giving your older child a gift “from” the baby when it’s born.

- Reserve certain privileges for your firstborn, like a dedicated story or cuddle time before bed, or a weekly outing.

- Be honest about the challenges a baby can bring, and acknowledge that it may not be a great playmate right away.

- Don’t send your older child to daycare just as the baby arrives; they may feel “sent away.”

- Trust your older child to interact with the newborn, but don’t burden them with too many caregiving tasks.

- Remember that your older child still has a right to be “little.” Don’t expect them to become instantly mature just because a baby has arrived.

- If needed, allow them to use a bottle again or go back to diapers for a time. Show them that your love for them is unwavering.

- Acknowledge negative feelings toward the sibling. If your older child expresses frustration or jealousy, talk about it rather than brushing it aside. It helps them process their emotions.

- Don’t focus exclusively on the older child’s perspective. Your younger child deserves your attention and affection, too.

- If another child joins the family, pay extra attention to the middle child, as they may struggle with losing their position as the “baby” of the family. Strive to treat all children fairly and spend one-on-one time with each.

Multiple Kids—What About the Partnership?

Having a second child can put additional strain on your partnership. The mother’s role as a caregiver often intensifies, demanding more of her time, even if the father helps out. It’s even more crucial to find shared moments of connection, such as a monthly dinner without kids or a relaxing evening together. Investing in these small moments can help keep your partnership strong as your family grows.

Family in Transition

What is a family, really?

You might say it’s my partner, my child(ren), and me. Or it’s my child(ren) and me. But what about your unmarried friends without kids? When does a family become a family? This article is intended to provide a bit of guidance, showing that your family—no matter how unique it may seem—is not all that unusual. And it’s not so modern either.

Three Family Myths

No premarital sex

The belief that premarital sex was rare in the past due to societal and church norms, sanctions, and a lack of contraception is false. Even in the 1950s, it was common for couples to marry during pregnancy—this was often the main reason for getting married.

Myth of the large family

In the past, high infant mortality rates meant families were not much larger than today. For example, in Bavaria around the turn of the century, the average household size ranged from 4.3 (1925) to 4.7 (1900). Moreover, many households included non-family members. As a result, and due to high maternal mortality rates, small and incomplete families were the norm in the past.

Marriages lasted longer in the past

In the past, roughly as many marriages ended with the early death of a spouse as they do today through divorce. Consequently, there were already a significant number of single parents and stepfamilies back then.

Today’s Family Forms

Family psychologist Matthias Petzold identifies seven primary life forms in today’s society, not all of which necessarily include children.

Family form & examples:

1. Traditional nuclear family: classic father-mother-child relationship

2. Family as a normative ideal: singles guided by a traditional family ideal

3. Childless couple: couples without children, whether by choice or circumstance

4. Unmarried couples with children (still adhering to family ideals): modern dual-income families with children

5. Postmodern marriage without children (but still normative): marriages focused on career and intimate partnership without children

6. Unmarried parenthood without a family ideal: communal living with children, single-parent families

7. Married couples with children (without a family ideal): alternative parents who are nevertheless married

Which type of family do you belong to? By extending the scientific understanding of family (as a psychological social unit characterized by intimacy and intergenerational relationships) to include the subjective perception of “we are a family,” Petzold reveals a picture of modern family forms defined by pluralism. Essentially, there’s no family form that doesn’t exist.

Single Parents

Still, most people think of the so-called nuclear family—father, mother, child(ren)—when they hear “family.” Among families with children, this is still the “norm”: 80% of children grow up with both parents until they turn 18. Only 13% of all families (married couples with or without children and single parents) are headed by single parents. Among these, women make up the vast majority: 82% of single parents are mothers, while only 18% are fathers. Due to traditional societal and cultural roles, single mothers often face greater challenges balancing family and work than men do.

Motherhood

The idea of the “ideal mother” has never been more ambivalent than it is today. Women now face a choice about what type of mother they want to be—at least those in the middle class.

The traditional mother

This model was at its peak in the 1950s and 1960s: mothers were expected to be married, to give up their careers for their children, and to devote themselves entirely to raising, caring for, and nurturing their kids. The mother found complete fulfillment in this role.

The supermom

This ideal, widely promoted by media and feminist groups, envisions women who are attractive partners, successful professionals, perfect homemakers, and supermoms all at once. Hays sums it up somewhat sarcastically: “This mother can push a stroller with one hand and carry a briefcase with the other. Her hair is always perfect, her stockings never have runs, her suit is always wrinkle-free, and her home is, of course, spotless. Her children are immaculate: they have good manners, are not passive but lively, and exude self-confidence.”

The three-phase model

Emerging mainly in the 1970s and 1980s, this model suggests that women should get a good education and work until their first child is born (Phase 1). Then they should focus exclusively on child-rearing (Phase 2). Once the children no longer need their full attention, mothers can return to work (Phase 3). Notably, this return to work is happening earlier than before, often during early school or kindergarten years.

The “new” mothers

… are primarily middle-class women who consciously choose not to work after the birth of their first child. They follow a model that prioritizes individuality, self-realization, and personal fulfillment in their roles as homemakers and mothers—something they believe is more achievable at home than in a competitive, externally driven work environment. Only within the family can they truly be themselves and live out their own vision of life.

The working mother by necessity

For this group, talk of self-realization in the workplace or career advancement is irrelevant. Securing a job is the top priority. These women are essentially required to follow a model that combines employment and motherhood, seeing the two as compatible by necessity.

Have you found your ideal mothering style? Yes? But you think, “I could never achieve that!” If so, you’re not alone. Many women feel the same way. And here’s the takeaway: don’t worry about it! Other mothers aren’t perfect either. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses, and you should focus on what you’re good at rather than feeling overwhelmed by inadequacy. Your child loves you for who you are, as long as you care for them with love. Remember, you’re not the only person influencing your child’s development. There’s the father, grandparents, daycare staff, and even your friends. While you have a significant impact, many other factors also play a role!