First Time as a Trio
Becoming a parent is not hard; being a parent, on the other hand, is very challenging!
Who doesn't know this saying? And anyone who has ever become a parent knows it to be true (aside from the birth itself).
Back to a New Life - Checklist for the Father
A special situation arises when the newly minted mother returns home with her baby for the first time. How the woman experiences this situation largely depends on you, dear fathers. We have put together a checklist of what should be ready when your wife comes home, so that it becomes an unforgettably beautiful experience for everyone:
Has the floor been swept/vacuumed?
Is the laundry washed (ironed) and put away?
Is the kitchen tidy, and are the beds made?
Have the flowers been watered?
Did you think of a welcome bouquet?
Is the fridge stocked with your wife's favorite foods (milk, butter, cheese, cold cuts, ...)?
Have you prepared meals for the next two days or have ready-made meals at home?
Do you have mild fruits (bananas, apples) and salad (carrots, cucumbers) in the house?
A few bags of milk production tea from the pharmacy and 2-3 bottles of malt beer may be useful.
Is everything ready for the baby? Is the changing table set up, and are there enough diapers available?
Is the baby crib made up?
A pacifier and a small bottle should be at home – and if the baby is on formula milk, you will need additional basic bottle equipment (4 milk bottles with nipples, cleaning brush, e.g., from NUK).
Being Parents Means: Teamwork
When the baby and the young mother are at home, teamwork is required because there is often much more work to do than one might have imagined. The baby demands most of your attention, which you gladly give, as you proudly observe every progress it makes daily: the first smile, the first intentional grasp of your hand, ... However, both you and/or your partner will increasingly need time for yourselves as well. You should acknowledge this from the beginning and take time for yourselves – for each other and your relationship.
Money
The often only half salary must now stretch for one more family member – this is certainly not easy at first. But various public aids are available to help bolster your household finances:
Parental allowance (from the social security office)
Child benefit (from the employment office)
Welfare benefits (from the social welfare office)
Maternity pay (from the health insurance)
Housing benefit (from the housing benefit office at the housing department)
Advance maintenance payments (from the youth welfare office)
Reduced kindergarten fees (from the youth welfare office)
Postponement of BAföG repayments, etc. (from the student union)
Bishop's fund (Catholic family counseling centers)
Municipal foundations, state and federal funds "Mother and Child" (from family planning counseling centers)
In addition, you can save money by:
No overdraft credit: Do not set up an overdraft loan because if you're in the red, managing the account becomes really expensive.
Seek debt counseling if you have debts – ignoring them will not make them disappear. There are debt counseling services in many cities and counties.
Family vacations: Children do not need exotic destinations with mile-long white sandy beaches and turquoise blue oceans. A stream, pebbles, a small beach at a gravel pit, and RELAXED parents are sufficient. Recommended for vacationing with children are a vacation apartment, a camping holiday, or a farm (especially when the kids are a few years old). Some states subsidize certain family vacation programs. Inquire with your city or county.
Relationships
She feels overwhelmed with baby care, he feels excluded. This does not have to be the case. Discuss early on who does what when, for example, if he works (as a rule), he can bathe/wash the child, change, feed, and/or put the baby to bed in the evenings. If she doesn’t feel like going for a walk on Sundays and just wants to rest because she can't bear to see the baby anymore (even if she immediately wants the baby back), then dad should take a walk alone with the son or daughter.
For the parent who stays home: give your partner the chance to spend time with the child every day.
For the working parent: grant your partner some baby-free time from time to time, e.g., for sports or an evening bath – and "claim your right as a parent": show that you also want to spend time with the baby.
If both are at home: distribute joys and sorrows fairly: Mama should not only be responsible for changing, feeding, and laundry, while daddy is only in charge of walks and play. Discuss who enjoys doing what, and if neither likes a task, then these "chores" should be done alternately.
What to do if the couple's relationship is increasingly neglected? First: everyone needs time for themselves and the baby, and both need "relationship time": take at least one time per week for your relationship: what concerns the other, what are they afraid of, etc.
Love
Your love life will likely be somewhat dormant at first. However, this usually resolves once you have gotten used to life as a trio and the scars from childbirth have healed. Many couples experience the first time after the birth as particularly beautiful. You should not feel inhibited just because the baby might be sleeping in the crib right next to your bed – it will not notice when asleep, and if it does, it will not be harmed. If, however, it makes you uncomfortable and you feel disturbed, then simply move the crib out of the room for a short period or find another love nest (e.g., in the living room). Both of you should accept that you are in a time of deep, caring love for the child and less of a peak time of sexual love between man and woman.
A sibling for our little one?
Many parents eventually face this question. Once a decision is made, the next question arises: when is the best time? How will we deal with the "big one," who might still be little themselves? Can you love two or more children equally? We want to address these and similar questions in the following article.
Facts
About half of all families with children have only one child. The life experiences of only children and siblings do not differ – whether unremarkable or problematic. The genetic material of siblings is, on average, 50% the same.
The sibling relationship
… is considered the longest relationship in a person's life. It has a fateful quality, as you cannot choose it; you are born into it. It persists even when there is no longer contact between siblings. Often, it is characterized by a high degree of intimacy that is not found in any other relationship. It is typically marked by a deeply rooted emotional ambivalence with intense positive (love) and negative (hate) feelings.
Initially, it is the parents' job to pave the way for a relationship between the siblings: until about the 16th or 17th month of the younger child's life, they must meet the demands of both children and thus regulate the sibling relationship. By about the end of the second year of life, a relationship develops between siblings that gains its own dynamic independent of parental influences. However, parental behavior plays a decisive role in the quality of the sibling relationship throughout childhood. A secure and reliable bond of both siblings to the mother fosters attachment between the children.
The relationship between siblings is evaluated worse in studies the more noticeable the unequal treatment by the mother and/or father is, particularly when the unequal treatment cannot be attributed to age or need differences.
Siblings - for a lifetime!
As mentioned above, the sibling relationship lasts a lifetime. However, the emphasis in the relationship changes, as the following list shows:
Childhood and adolescence: In the early stages, mutual emotional support and the development of camaraderie and friendship dominate: older siblings help younger ones, they do small favors for each other, support each other, and stand in solidarity against outsiders (e.g., parents). Typical rivalry themes at this stage include: control, dominance, and maturity.
Early and middle adulthood: Here, camaraderie and mutual emotional support come to the forefront again – in crisis situations, assistance and help are needed; additionally, they share the responsibility of caring for aging parents. Typical rivalry themes now include: professional success and recognition (especially among brothers), alongside physical attractiveness and fitness; increasingly, disputes also arise over family-related and attitude- and value-oriented topics.
Late adulthood and old age: Camaraderie and mutual emotional support remain (still) particularly important; they help each other in times of need, perhaps finally resolving old rivalry issues — they give each other the feeling of being able to rely on the other. Typical rivalry themes are family-related as well as attitude- and value-oriented topics.
What is loved also fights? - Or: sibling rivalry and how to deal with it
Sibling rivalry is as old as human history: just as today's and future siblings will rival, so did Cain and Abel in the Bible. The roots of this rivalry are seen partly in the constant struggle of siblings for the love and affection of their parents. This struggle begins with the birth of the sibling when the firstborn experiences a so-called "dethronement trauma": they feel displaced, have to share, and are no longer at the center of parental attention. The older child is jealous of the younger and finds it hard to accept that the mother must take care of the little one for a long time, cuddling it, comforting it, and so on.
Sibling rivalry is particularly intense among same-sex (especially male) siblings and those who are close in age. The reason is seen in the constant comparisons siblings make with each other: regarding appearance, traits, and abilities, compounded by their frequent interactions.
Researchers found that one-sided rivalry is the most common: the weaker, or those feeling inferior, siblings compete with the stronger (often older) siblings, often without the latter being aware of it.
Tips for parents
Avoid careless remarks that may stir jealousy.
Do not constantly point out differences between your children in front of them (“The little one has two left feet.”, “The big one is less athletic.”)
Treat your children individually - but do not show favoritism or disadvantage.
What is loved also fights? Yes and no. Studies in kindergartens show that children who like each other often clash. Sibling disputes can be even more intense because siblings serve as training partners for children’s attempts at differentiation and self-assertion, and children fundamentally know that they cannot get hurt. Furthermore, roles in the family need constant redefinition – and children primarily use their hands and feet to defend or even strengthen their positions. Not infrequently, two squabbling siblings will try to turn their mother or father against the other. Therefore, parents should stay out of disputes as much as possible and, in no case, take sides. However, you should intervene if you notice that one child is clearly at a disadvantage because the other is being so unfair that the "weaker" child is unable to cope. It is noticeable that disputes are particularly loud when parents are nearby. Why? The children want more attention – here’s a tip: pay less attention to quarrels and focus more on your children when they are getting along. And: perhaps children argue just for the lovely feeling of reconciliation afterwards?!
It may also be comforting that sibling relationships usually harmonize during middle and late childhood. One reason for this is surely that each sibling develops their own friendships, relationships, hobbies, and interests.
Age gap
Many family educators recommend an age gap of 3 years, as siblings with this gap often get along well, do not rival as often, and can do much more together.
Following psychoanalyst Margret Mahler, Silbernagel and Lucassen divide the first three years into four phases in their book and describe what your child experiences at what age when a sibling is on the way:
6 - 10 months: At this time of the first separation from mother and child, the arrival of a sibling is experienced as an intrusion into their familiar world, as it is not just mother and child determining the pace of separation but other external conditions – the second child is seen as an unclear threat.
10 - 18 months: The child's interest now shifts to conquering the outside world – the birth is not experienced as negatively as in the previous phase.
18 - 24 months: The child is in conflict between the wish for independence and the desire to be cherished by the mother indefinitely. This point is particularly distressing for a child at this age upon the birth of a sibling.
Older than 2 years: The closer the birth occurs to the previous phase, the more insecure the child becomes. If the sibling's birth comes towards the end of the third year, the relationship with the father increasingly becomes an element of balance.
Pregnant - for the second time
So the father experiences the second pregnancy
While the first pregnancy is marked by novelty and the unknown, the father can approach the second pregnancy with much more calm: he knows how (erotic?) his wife looks with a big belly, that she can be somewhat unbearable, that she may develop peculiar cravings, that she constantly needs the toilet … and that all this will end with the birth. The father now has a particularly important role: besides his partner, their firstborn now needs their dad more because they may feel neglected or insecure in their position within the family (see below). Over these months, a particularly close bond can develop between father and child. Some fathers also look forward to the delivery with a bit more ease because they have some idea of what to expect. The time after the birth will also not be as heavily colored by fears of failing: fathers have either already tried and proven themselves with their first child or they look forward to the second chance to do everything better this time. Overall, the repeated pregnancy is usually approached with more composure by the expectant father.
Here’s how you can involve your “big” child in the pregnancy.
Don’t tell your child too early that a sibling is on the way, as they must be able to comprehend the period until the birth with their mind. Let your child experience your growing belly with their hands and ears, feeling how the baby grows and moves. Perhaps you can also use this situation to explain conception and birth – there is no such thing as too early in this case, as anything the child doesn’t understand will either be forgotten or they’ll ask again later. For practice, an older child often enjoys a baby doll with accessories. Let your
Family in Change
What is a family, anyway?
You might say it’s my partner, my child(ren), and me. Or it’s my child(ren) and me. And what about your unmarried friends without children? When does a family become a family? The following article aims to provide some guidance and show you that your family - no matter how extraordinary it may be - is not as unusual as you might think. And it’s not so new.
Three Family Myths
No premarital sex
The idea that premarital sex was an exception in the past due to societal and religious norms and sanctions, as well as the lack of contraceptives, is incorrect. Often - even in the 1950s - women were married during pregnancy, which was the most common reason for marriage.
Myth of the Extended Family
In the past, child mortality was very high. This meant that families were not much larger than today. In Bavaria, for example, the average household size around the turn of the century was between 4.3 (1925) and 4.7 (1900). Additionally, many households included non-family members. For this reason and due to high maternal mortality, small families and incomplete families were prevalent in the past.
Marriages lasted longer in the past
In the past, approximately the same number of marriages ended due to the early death of a spouse as today end in divorce. Thus, there was already a significant number of single parents and stepfamilies back then.
Family Forms Found Today
Family psychologist Matthias Petzold distinguishes seven primary forms of living in today’s society, where children do not necessarily have to be present.
Family form & examples:
1. normal nuclear family: traditional father-mother-child relationship
2. family as a normative ideal: singles oriented towards a normative family ideal
3. childless couple relationship: involuntarily or voluntarily childless couples
4. non-marital relationship with children (but with normative family ideal): modern dual-income family with child(ren)
5. postmodern marital relationship without children (but with normative orientation: marriage focused on career and intimate partnership without children
6. non-marital parenthood without orientation to an ideal norm: shared living arrangements with children, single-parent families
7. married couples with children (but without normative ideal): alternatively oriented parents who are still married
So, what type of family do you belong to? Since Petzold expands the scientific understanding of family (from a psychological perspective, family is a social unit characterized particularly by intimacy and intergenerational relationships) to include the subjective attitude of “We are a family” from those involved, a picture of today’s family forms arises that is marked by plurality. Thus, there essentially is no family form that does not exist.
Single Parents
Nevertheless, it cannot be denied that most people still understand family to mean the so-called nuclear family, i.e., father, mother, child(ren). Among families with children, this is also the "norm": 80% of children grow up together with both parents until they reach the age of 18. And only 13% of all families (married couples with and without children and single parents) are single parents. Again, women make up the largest share: 18% of single fathers versus 82% of single mothers. The social situation of the latter is more challenging due to culturally and socially traditional role expectations, making it harder for mothers as working women to cope than for men.
Mother Images
The mother. The idea of the ideal mother has probably never been more ambivalent than it is today. The woman and mother today is faced with the choice of which image of motherhood she wants to adopt - at least if she belongs to the middle class.
The traditional mother image
This image of motherhood had its heyday in the 1950s and 1960s: mothers were expected to be married, give up work for the sake of their children, and be almost exclusively responsible for the upbringing, care, and supervision of the children. In this role, the mother immerses herself fully.
The supermother
This ideal image is widely propagated by the media and feminist groups: women should and can be attractive sexual partners, professionally successful, perfect housewives, and super mothers. Hays summarizes this ideal somewhat dramatically: "This mother can push a stroller with one hand while carrying a briefcase with the other. She is always well-groomed, her pantyhose never have runs, her outfit is always wrinkle-free, and her home is, of course, spotless. Her children are flawless: they have good manners but are not passive; rather, they are vibrant and bursting with self-confidence."
The three-phase model
This image of motherhood primarily comes from the 1970s and 1980s: women should work after a good education until the first child is born (Phase 1), then they should focus entirely on child-rearing (Phase 2), and when the children no longer need them as much, the mothers could return to work (Phase 3). Notably, in this image, the return to the workforce happens earlier and nowadays typically occurs during the early elementary school or kindergarten years.
The "new" mothers
... are primarily women from the middle class who consciously choose to refrain from work after the birth of their first child. They follow a model where individualization, self-realization, and personalization in carrying out the roles of housewife and mother are achievable - more so than in a socially determined, rationally shaped, and competitive work environment, as only within the family can women be themselves and realize their own ideas about life.
The mother image of those reliant on work
Here it is illusory to talk of opportunities for self-realization in work, career prospects, or the like - job security is the priority. Women from this group must essentially adhere to an ideal that prescribes compatibility between employment and motherhood.
And, have you found your ideal mother role? Yes? But you think you could never manage one or the other in life? Then you are like many other women. And remember: don’t let it get to you! Other mothers are not perfect either, so you can’t fully live out the ideal mother image. Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses - and you should use yours and not let feelings of inadequacy overwhelm you. Your child loves you as you are when you care for them with your love. And do not forget: you are not the only reference person for your child - there are others: whether it’s dad or grandma or a teacher or a friend. Although you have a significant influence on your child, you are not solely responsible for your offspring's development. Many other factors come into play!
