First time for three
Parents are not difficult, but parents are very much!
Who doesn't know him, this saying? And everyone who has ever become a parents (part) also knows that he is right (apart from the birth).
Back to a new life - checklist for the father
It is a special situation when the freshly baked mother comes home with her baby for the first time. How the woman experiences this situation is primarily due to them, dear fathers. We have put together a checklist for you, which should be done when your wife comes home so that this will be an unforgettable experience for everyone:
Has the floor swept/sucked?
Is the laundry washed (ironed) and cleared away?
Is the kitchen tidy and are the beds made?
Have the flowers cast?
Did you think of a welcome bouquet?
Is the refrigerator filled with your favorite dishes (milk, butter, cheese, cold cuts, ...)?
Have you cooked for the next two days/ready -made meals at home?
Do you have mild fruit types (bananas, apples) and salad (carrots, cucumbers) in the house?
A few bags of milk education tea from the pharmacy and 2-3 bottles of malt beer may make sense.
Is everything ready for the baby? The changing table furnished, there is enough diapers?
Is that related to the baby bed?
A pacifier and a tea bottle (each of the smallest size) should be in the house - and if the baby gets infant milk food, you also need base equipment (4 milk bottles with suckers, cleaning brush e.g. from NUK)
Being parents means: teamwork
If the baby and the young mother are at home, teamwork is required because it often falls into a lot more work than you have dreamed. The baby demands most of her attention, which you also like to send him, because you proudly observe every progress that makes it every day: the first smile, the first willing take your hand, ... but you will become increasingly or/ And your partner need time for yourself again. You should admit this from the start and take this time - for yourself and your partnership.
Money
The often only half wages now has to be enough for a family member - that is certainly not easy at first. But there are various public aids available to improve your household budget:
Education allowance (from the pension office)
Child benefit (from the employment office)
Social assistance (from the social welfare office)
Maternity allowance (from the health insurance)
Housing benefit (from the housing benefit office at the housing office)
Entertainment fund (from the youth welfare office)
Reduced kindergarten contribution (from the youth welfare office)
Default of BAföG repayments etc. (from the Studentenwerk)
Bishop Fund (Catholic family advice centers)
Municipal foundations, state and federal funds "mother and child" (from advice centers for family planning)
In addition, you can also save money with:
Credit account: Do not set yourself a dispoter, because if it is in the target, the account management becomes really expensive.
You should use debt consultations if you have debts - because it doesn't help you and your family if you put your head in the sand - the debts do not really disappear. Debt consultations are available in many cities and circles
Family holidays: Children do not need exotic travel destinations with kilometers -wide white sandy beaches and turquoise blue sea. A stream, pebbles, a small beach at the quarry lake and relaxed parents are enough. Recommended for vacation with children is a holiday apartment or a camping holiday or a farm (especially if the kids are already a few years old). Some federal states subsidize certain family holiday programs. Inquire with your city or district.
Relationships
She feels overwhelmed with baby care, he feels excluded. It doesn't have to be that way. In the first time, talk to baby who does what and when, e.g. if he works (the rule), he can bathe/wash, wrap, feed and/or to bed in the evening. Perhaps she doesn't feel like a walk on Sundays and just wants to rest because she can no longer see the child (even if she wants to have it with her again), then Papa should go for a walk with his son or daughter.
The following applies to the parent who stayed at home: Give your partner the chance to spend some time with the child every day.
The following applies to the working parent: Treat your partner a baby -free time from time to time, e.g. for sports or a bathroom in the evening - and "request your right as a parent": show that you also spend time with the baby want.
Are both at home: they distribute joy and suffering fairly: Mama should not only wrap, feed and wash the laundry and dad not only for walking and playing. It is best to speak off who like to do what and if both do not like to do something, then these "work" have to be done alternately.
What to do if the couple relationship falls behind more and more? First of all: Everyone needs time for themselves and the baby and both need "relationship time": take time for your relationship at least once a week: what moves the others, what fears, etc.
Love
Her love life will probably be a bit broke in the first time. However, this usually turns out when you have got used to life in three and the scars have healed. Then many couples experience the first time after birth as particularly beautiful. You also don't need to have inhibitions because the baby may sleep next to her bed in bed - it will be if it doesn't sleep and if it does, it will not be hurt. However, if it is uncomfortable to you and you feel disturbed, just put the baby bed out of the room for a short time or you are looking for a different love nest (e.g. in the living room). Both accept that you are in a time of deep, caring love for the child and less in a high time of sexual love between woman and man.
A sibling for our little one?
At some point, many parents are faced with this question. And if you have decided to do it, the next step is the question in the room, when is the best time? How will we deal with the "big one", which may be small itself? Can you love two or more children alike? We would like to investigate these and similar questions with the following article.
Facts
Individual children grow up in about half of all families with children. The résumés of individual and siblings do not differ- whether inconspicuous or problematic. The genetic material of siblings is an average of 50%.
The sibling relationship
... is considered the longest relationship in a person's life. It is something fateful because you cannot choose it, but is born into it. It continues even if there is no more contact between the siblings. It is often characterized by a high degree of intimacy that is not achieved in any other relationship. Typical for them is a deep -rooted emotional ambivalence with the most intense positive (love) and negative feelings.
First of all, it is the task of the parents to pave the way for a relationship between the siblings: until around 16./17. The month of the younger child must meet the requirements of both children and thus regulate the sibling relationship. Up to around the 2nd year of age, a relationship establishes a relationship between the siblings, which also gets its own dynamic regardless of parental influences. However, parental behavior plays a crucial role in the quality of the sibling relationship throughout childhood. A safe and reliable bond by both siblings to the mother is beneficial for the attachment of the children.
The relationship between the siblings was evaluated in investigations the more unequal treatment by mother and/or father, especially if the unequal treatment was not attributed to age or needs differences.
Siblings - for a lifetime!
As already mentioned above, the sibling relationship has a lifetime. However, the focus in the relationship changes, as the following list shows:
Childhood and adolescence: In the first time, a mutual emotional support and the establishment of comrade and friendship dominates: older people help younger siblings, one proves to be small favors, stands up to each other and solidarize to third parties (e.g. parents). Typical rivalry topics are now: control, dominance and maturity
Early and medium -sized adulthood: Comradeship and mutual emotional support are again in the foreground - assistance and help are indicated in crisis situations; In addition, one takes over the duty of care about the aging parents together. Typical rivalry topics are now: professional success and recognition (especially brothers) alongside physical attractiveness and fitness; There are also increasingly dealing with family-related and attitude and value-oriented topics
Late adulthood and older age: Comradeship and mutual emotional support are (still) particularly important, you help yourself in need, possibly work old rivalry problems - you convey the feeling of being able to rely on the other. Typical rivalry topics are: family-related and attitudes and value-oriented topics
What loves herself? - or: sibling rivalry and how to meet her
Sibling rivality is as old as human history: just like today's and future siblings, Cain and Abel already rival together in the Bible. The roots of this rivalry are seen on the one hand in the constant struggle of the siblings about the love and affection of the parents. This struggle begins with the birth of the sibling when the firstborn experiences a so -called "dethronement trauma": it feels reset, has to share, and is no longer the focus of parental attention. The older child is jealous of the younger child and is difficult to accept that the mother has to take care of the little one for a long time, cuddle with this, comfort it, etc.
Sibling rivality was particularly great with same -sex (especially male) and siblings closely related to each other. The reason for this is seen in the fact that siblings constantly compare each other: in terms of appearance, properties and skills and because they have to do with each other so often.
Researchers most often found a one -sided rivalry: the weaker, i.e. inferior, siblings rival with the stronger (often older) siblings, some of whom are not even noticeable.
Tips for parents
Avoid careless comments that could stir the jealousy
Do not emphasize differences between your children and not in front of your children ("The little one has two left hands.", "The big one is more unsportsmanlike")
Treat your children individually - but not preferably or disadvantageous.
What loves herself? Yes and no. Studies in kindergartens show that children who like each other often get involved. The sibling dispute can be even more intense because the siblings as a training partner for childlike efforts to demarse and self -assertion is and the children basically know that nothing can happen to them. Furthermore, the roles in the family have to be constantly redefined - and children primarily use hands and feet to defend or even strengthen their position. It is not uncommon for two siblings to try to raise the mother/father against the other. Therefore, parents should stay out of the arguments as far as possible and never take part for a child. However, you should intervene if you notice that a child obviously pulls the shorter one because the other becomes so unfair that the "weaker" is no longer up to him. It is striking that the dispute is particularly loud when the parents are nearby. Why? The children want more attention - so a little tip: Note arguments less and pay more attention to your children if they are easy to deal with. And: Maybe children only argue after the beautiful feeling of reconciliation?!
It may also be comforting that sibling relationships normally harmonize in the course of the middle and late childhood. One reason for this is certainly that each sibling expands its own contacts and relationships as well as their own employment preferences and interests.
Age gap
Many family educators advise parents an age gap of 3 years, because then the siblings often get along well, cannot rival each other so often and do a lot with each other.
Based on the psychoanalyst Margret Mahler, Silbernagel and Lucassen divide the first three years in four phases and represent in their book what their child feels at what age when a sibling is announced:
6 - 10 months: At this point in time of the first detachment of mother and child, the child experiences the birth of a sibling as a burglary into his familiar world, because now it is not a mother and child not determine the pace of replacement but other external conditions - the second child becomes than experienced unclear threat.
10 - 18 months: The child's interest is now aimed at conquering the outside world - the birth is not experienced as negatively as in the previous phase.
18 - 24 months: The child is in conflict between the desire for independence and after unlimited care by the mother. And it is precisely this point that is very difficult for a child at this age at the birth of a sibling.
Older than 2 years: The closer the birth takes place at the previous phase, the sooner the child is unsettled. On the other hand, if the birth of the sibling is due at the end of the 3rd year of life, the relationship with the father is now being accepted more than a balancing element.
Pregnant - again
This is how the father experiences the second pregnancy
While the first pregnancy is shaped by the new and unknown, the second pregnancy can be tackled much more calmly by the father: he knows how (erotic?) His wife looks with a thick belly, that she may be obvious that it may develop the most special taste that she has to constantly on the toilet ... and that it is all over with birth. The father now has a particularly important part: Because in addition to the partner, the firstborn now needs his dad because it is neglected and perhaps also feels unsettled because of his position in the family (see below). A particularly intimate relationship between father and child can arise in these months. Some fathers are also a little more relaxed about childbirth because they know about what to expect. Even the time after childbirth will no longer be so strongly shaped by fear of failing: Fathers have either tried and tried out the first child or they look forward to the second chance to do everything better this time. All in all, the repeated pregnancy is usually tackled by the becoming father more relaxed.
So you can let your "big" "big" participate in pregnancy
Do not tell your child too early that a sibling comes, because it must be able to grasp the period until birth. Let your child experience with her hands and ears on your growing stomach how the baby grows and moves. Perhaps you will also use the situation to clarify and birth - there is no too early in this case, because what the child does not understand forgets or asks again later. To practice, the older person is almost always happy with accessories. Let your "big one" choose from his earlier toys the one with which the baby can play.
Mother's love - that all means love, but do not treat it right away!
Everyone comes into the world with the need to be recognized, respected and loved by the environment surrounding us, especially the family. The child learns to behave in such a way that it receives sufficient attention and recognition. If siblings are already there, it tries to secure the parents' attention where it is not the siblings. This is one reason that siblings develop differently: you follow an active, an objective, a peaceful, etc. Therefore: commit yourself to unequal treatment and give every child what it needs and not always both the same.
This is how they make the situation easier for their "big one"
The change is enormous: yesterday the onlyoring only child, to whom every wish was read from the eyes, and today's big sister or big brother from a loudly screaming baby. This change does not always work without any problems. How your child reacts to the newcomer essentially depends on three factors:
His age and level of development (see above)
The child's temperament and gender
Stability of the relationship of trust
A few behavioral measures make it easier to change:
The custom has proven itself that with the birth of the sibling, the older child is given a gift - so to speak in the name of the baby
Reserve certain privileges for your firstborn: a certain singing/ reading hour, a cuddly time before going to bed, the gymnastics lesson once a week
Tell your firstborn that such a baby sometimes gets on your nerves and that it is not so well usable as a playmate at first.
Don't send your oldest to kindergarten when the sibling was born, because then it feels deported.
Trust your older child to deal with the newborn- but they don't overwhelm it with care and auxiliary services
Your older child also has a right to be small! Therefore, do not ask for it to be sensible, insightful and independent overnight, just because there is a little baby!
Put your "big one" bottle again and wrap it again when it is necessary - show him that it can always be safe for your unreserved affection.
Show your older child that you also accept negative feelings towards the siblings - sometimes you want to go up and of it, right?! The only way is the way these feelings are expressed: If the larger one constantly beats the smaller child, this is certainly not permitted, but the older one asks if you can bring the baby back, then talk to it, that helps this Small "big ones" certainly more than if it always has to swallow his anger and the resentment builds up or even better: Take the chance to declaration of love: "But I can't return Anna. I love her as much as you. And I would never give you back! "
Make sure that the older one is not neglected, e.g. in the first few months, the father can primarily take care of the "dethroned" child - then the older one may sometimes be jealous, but it will get along quite well.
If necessary, give your children more distance from each other, e.g. through separate rooms or a certain time length, in which everyone can use the common room for themselves.
The little one - an annoying appendage?
Consider your second born from the perspective of your older one, otherwise it will be disadvantaged before it is born.
And if there is still a third or fourth child?
... then they just don't forget their medium children, because they lose their position as a nest crack (in contrast to the big ones) and they have to finish. Try to treat all children straight away and do something alone with everyone. This is definitely not easy, but certainly to be created!
Several children - where's the partnership?
It will certainly not be easier in the partnership with the second child. The woman is getting more and more mother, because two children demand more time from her than one - even if the father actively helps her. Even more important than with the first child, it is now to find a common niche, e.g. once a month an evening or lunch without children or a joint visit to the sauna.
Family in change
A family, what is that anyway?
You will say these are my partner, my child (e) and me. Or these are my child (e) and me. And what about their unmarried friends without children? When is a family a family from? The following article would like to give you a small orientation aid here and show that your family - as is unusual as it may be - is not that unusual. And not so new.
Three family myths
No pre -marital intercourse
The opinion that formerly previously sexual intercourse was an exception due to social and church norms and sanctions as well as due to a lack of contraceptives. Often - even in the 1950s - the woman was married during pregnancy - this was the most common reason for marriage.
MYHOS extended family
In the past, child mortality was very great. As a result, the families were not much larger than today. In Bavaria, for example, the average household size around the turn of the century was between 4.3 (1925) and 4.7 (1900). In addition, people who were unable to family worked and lived in many households. For this reason and because of the high mother mortality, small families and incomplete families prevailed in the past.
In the past, the marriages lasted longer
In the past, about the same number of marriages were dissolved by an early death of a spouse as today. That is why there were already a large number of single parents and stealing families at that time.
Family forms to be found today
Family psychologist Matthias Petzold distinguishes seven primary forms of life in today's society, although children do not necessarily have to be there.
Family form & examples:
1. Normal core family: traditional father-mother-child relationship
2. Family as a normative ideal: single people with orientation on a normative family ideal
3. Childless couple relationship: involuntarily or childless couples based on their own decision
4. Non-marital relationship with children (but with a normative family ideal): modern double-earner family with child (ern)
5. Postmodern marriage relationship without children (but with standard orientation: marriage to a professional career and intimate partnership without children
6. Unmarried parenthood without orientation to an ideal standard: shared apartments with children, one-parents families
7. Married couples with children (but without normative ideal): alternatively oriented parents who are still married
Well, what family types do they belong to? Since Petzold is the scientific understanding of family (from a psychological point of view, family is a social relationship unit that is particularly characterized by intimacy and intergenerational relationships) to expand the subjective attitude to "We are a family" of those affected, a picture of today's family forms is created Plurality is shaped. Accordingly, there is actually no family form that does not exist.
Single parents
However, it cannot be denied that most of the family still understand the so -called core family, i.e. father, mother, child (he). For families with children, this is also the "rule": 80% of the children grow up with both parents up to the age of 18. And only 13% of all families (married couples with and without children and single parents) are single parents. Here, women represent the largest proportion: 18% single fathers are compared to 82% single mothers. The social situation of the latter is more difficult for mothers to cope with mothers as a family and working woman due to socially and culturally traditional role.
Mother pictures
The mother. The idea of the ideal mother was probably never ambivalent than today. This is how the woman and mother today faces the choice of which mother picture she wants to take - at least if she belongs to the middle class.
The traditional mother picture
This mother picture had its heyday in the 1950s and 1960s: mothers should be married to give up their profession in favor of the children and be responsible almost exclusively for the upbringing, care and care of the children. In this task, the mother goes out completely.
The supermother
This ideal image is widespread by the media and feminist groups: women should and can be attractive sexual partners, professionally successful, perfect housewives and great mothers. Hays summarizes this mission statement somewhat exaggerated: "This mother can push a stroller with one hand and wear the briefcase with the other. It is always well styled, her tights never have running stitches, her costume is always free of wrinkle, and her home is always Of course, your children are flashes.
The three-phase model
This mother picture comes primarily from the 1970s and 1980s: After a good school and vocational training, women should practice their profession until the first child is born (1st phase), then they should only take care of children's education (2 . It is noteworthy in this picture that the return to the job takes place earlier and today takes place in the first years of primary school or kindergarten years.
The "new" mothers
... in particular are women from the middle class who deliberately do without a professional practice after the birth of the first child. They follow a mission statement in which individualization, self -fulfillment and personalization in the exercise of the housewife and mother role can be realized - more than in the externally determined, rational and competitive world of work, because only in the family can women be themselves and their own ideas of Realize life.
The mother image of up-to-work
Here it is illusory to speak of opportunities for self -realization at work, career opportunities or the like - here the focus is on job protection. Women of this group have to follow a mission statement that prescribes gainful employment and motherhood and considers to be compatible.
And have you found your ideal mother role? Yes? But do you think I never manage one or the other in life? Then you feel like many other women. And then the following applies: don't get anything out of it! Other mothers are also not so perfect that they can fully live the ideal mother image. Everyone has their weaknesses and strengths - and they should use them and cannot be overlooked by a feeling of inadequacy. Your child loves you as you are when you take care of your love. And don't forget: You are not the only caregiver for your child - there are a few others: be it the dad or grandma or the educator of you. Although you have a big influence on your child, you are not solely responsible for the development of your offspring. Many other factors are included!
